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Law to Stop Adults from Providing Alcohol to Youth
Reducing underage drinking and the problems it can cause for teens is something most parents have thought about at one time or another. Whether you’ve caught your teen drinking or suspect his peer group has access to alcohol, it is your responsibility to consider what might happen if your teen is harmed. While Shoulder to Shoulder suggests that parents always talk with their teen before the situation becomes serious (see the January 2007 e-newsletter and the December 2006 e-newsletter for ideas), we also know that unexpected things can happen. One of the ways teens report getting alcohol is through adult providers like their friends’ parents or store owners. In Minnesota there are two laws to stop adults from providing alcohol to kids.
The first law, Cause of Action – ZAP Bill (Minnesota Statute 340A.90), expands civil liability to include cases of adult provision of alcohol to youth. In other words, it allows the “injured or their spouse, child, parent, guardian, or employer” to sue the adult provider (a person 21 years of age or older) and recover damages. The adult provider must have:
1. Had control over the premises…and knowingly or recklessly permitted consumption of alcoholic beverages by a person under 21 that caused intoxication.
2. Sold, bartered, furnished or gave to, or purchased for a person under 21 alcohol beverages that caused intoxication.
The second law, Kevin’s Law – Brockway Bill (Minnesota Statute 340A.701), increases criminal penalties for adult providers from a gross misdemeanor to a felony in certain cases. The adult provider can be held liable if the youth is killed or injured or kills or injures another person. This felony is punishable by fines and/or jail time for the adult who has provided the alcohol.
Knowing that there is legal action that can be taken, in the event the unexpected occurs, can be of some comfort to parents. Remember, that prevention is always better than reaction. Know where your teen is, who he is with and what she is doing.
How might knowing of these laws be helpful as you parent your teenager? Share your ideas on the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org].
Related Links:
Minnesota State Legislature
https://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/revisor/pages/statute/statute_chapter_toc.php?year=2006&chapter=340A
University of MN Alcohol Epidemiology Program
http://www.epi.umn.edu/alcohol/policy/hostliab.shtm
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Parenting and the Adolescent Brain
Many parents and concerned citizens are asking why. Why do bad things happen to good kids? Why do teens, who were raised by caring parents, participate in senseless and sometimes violent behavior?
Recent brain research may hold some answers to these questions. Scientists have found that critical brain growth isn’t completed until the mid-twenties. The part of the brain that helps us anticipate the consequences of our decisions, the pre-frontal cortex, takes longer to mature than the rest of the brain. The pre-frontal cortex helps curb impulses, serves as an emotional brake and contributes to logical reasoning. In a sense, the teenage brain is like a full-throttle engine without a driver.
Teens often don’t have enough experience to make good decisions. Parents should talk with their teens and help them anticipate potentially dangerous situations such as riding with an impaired driver. Parents of teens and young adults need to see themselves as their kid’s “pre-frontal cortex.” Parents can help their teen make better decisions by anticipating situations -- by discussing ahead of time possible outcomes.
Dopamine, a powerful brain chemical that peaks during adolescence, also plays a role in teen risk-taking. Dopamine is a natural chemical produced in the body that is associated with pleasure and reward. The teen brain seeks to maintain a high level of dopamine through the “rush” from participating in risky activities, such as driving recklessly in a car or ATV, or experimenting with alcohol and other drugs. Parents should provide their teens with safe, supervised experiences such as sports or other recreation that provide the thrill their brains seek.
Experimentation is a fact of life for teens; they define their identity by taking risks. Teens feel invincible and tell themselves, “It can’t happen to me!” How do parents break through these physical and psychological barriers to help reduce the risks for their teens? Here are some tips from the experts:
- Communicate with your teens about your concerns and your expectations about their behavior. Let them know that it is because you care that you want them to take precautions, such as wearing a helmet when skateboarding and not using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs.
- Set firm boundaries. State your expectations and hold to them.
- Communicate your values and beliefs. Though it might not seem like it, teens often establish their own personal set of values based on those of their parents.
- Focus on issues that affect health and safety. For example, help your teens understand the health dangers involved in body piercing and tattooing, and perhaps tolerate their desire to dye their hair.
- Actively monitor your teen. Adolescence is not the time to be less vigilant. Insist on knowing where your teens are and who they spend time with. Talk with other parents to find out how they will be chaperoning. (For example, will other parents actually walk throughout the entire party periodically or will they go to sleep and leave the teens on their own?).
- Be your teen’s parent first – be a friend second.
All youth are at risk because adolescence is inherently a risky time of life. Good kids do find themselves in bad situations. Talk often with your teen. The research is clear -- parents are the primary influence on their teen’s behavior. Communicate your expectations. Reinforce your values. Be an “askable parent.”
How might understanding adolescent brain development affect how you parent your teen? Share your ideas on the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org].
Related resources:
National Institute on Media and the Family
http://www.mediafamily.org/hot_topics/brain_development.shtml
National Institute of Mental Health
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/teenage-brain-a-work-in-progress.shtml
Frontline
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/work/adolescent.html
Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh (2005)
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Special thanks to the Dakota County Public Health Department for the content of this e-news article.
In my experience, all fathers want to protect and provide for their children. Something they have apparently lost along the way is permission to nurture their children in those necessary and uniquely male ways. While most men have a hunger to be actively engaged, they are essentially unprepared by today’s society to take on the role of nurturing father. Unfortunately, this leaves a gap between what fathers are able to give and the male nurturing their teenagers need.
The core fathering issues for all the men I have worked with were basically the same. Generally, fathers wanted to spend time with their kids; assure their safety; and, provide for their material needs. But it is imperative that men assume an emotional as well as a physical presence. Physical presence requires fathers to be in close proximity to their children, protecting and providing for them, but “emotional presence” requires the physical presence and the emotional maturity that includes consistency, empathy and perseverance.
The research is clear that the cumulative cost of fatherless homes and father absence (both emotional and physical) is directly associated with teen pregnancies, school dropout rates, drug use, criminal behaviors, as well as numerous other destructive social problems. The increase in father absence is identified as the greatest contributor to the rise in child poverty. Children from fatherless households are three times more likely to fail in school and twice as likely to commit crimes. Father absence is the basis for a host of behavioral and emotional problems in children including poor impulse control, low self-esteem and violent acting out behaviors. Father absence is now in epidemic proportions and is affecting all social/economic classes.
It is the simple things; the details that kids remember. Life for children does not have to be complicated or full of rules. It is nurturing through everyday contact. Following are some ways that this can be done:
- See the world through your teens eyes
- Express affection for your child
- Empathize with your child
- Catch your teen doing something good and praise him/her
- Consistently say “please, thank you and I love you” to your teen
- Build traditions that are meaningful to your children
- Listen to the words your teenager uses, they all come from somewhere
- Most of all, be consistent
Probably the greatest gift a father offers a child is the fine art of listening to them. It is not expensive and it takes very little effort, but it has meaning to a teen far beyond the moment. Ask your child what they think about elements of their world. You will be amazed at the responses. (Just a word of caution: if you do not have a history of asking your teen for their ideas and then carefully listening to the answer, you may find that they are reluctant to talk. Do not give up !)
Most importantly, becoming a nurturing father is a skill that can be learned and developed.
This E-newsletter is excerpted, with permission, from an article written by Jon Harper, the founder and Executive Director of Adventures in Fathering a non-profit organization serving fathers and families. Adventures in Fathering provides classes in fathering, child development and family relations; consulting services; and conducts workshops on Building Father Friendly Environments. To contact Jon Harper call (763) 531-9267.
As a father, how have you connected with your teen? Check out the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org] and tell us about your experiences.
Other Related Links:
www.mnfathers.org
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Help teens learn about money and avoid 'affluenza'
By Sara Croymans, University of Minnesota Extension Service
Did you know?
- 1 in 5 teens have their own credit card or access to their parents' card.
- High school seniors' basic financial literacy is declining.
- 30% of youth report their parents rarely or never discuss saving and investing with them.
Youth today are spending money--a lot of it. Generation Y people report $211 billion in income and $172 billion in spending, according to a June 2003 online Harris Interactive Youth Pulse survey of 3,432 young people ages eight to 21 years.
The study breaks down Generation Y's spending habits into three categories:
- Pre-teens, ages 8-12, spend $19.1 billion dollars per year ($946 per child)
- Teens, ages 13-19, spend $94.7 billion dollars per year ($3,309 per child)
- Young adults, ages 20-21, reported spending $61.3 billion dollars per year ($7,389 per person)
Does all that money mean our youth affected by "affluenza?"
Affluenza is the term coined in the 1990s to describe the epidemic of stress, overwork, shopping and debt caused by the continued pursuit of the "American Dream." The tireless pursuit of material goods to make our lives better has serious consequences in our financial lives. Signs that affluenza is spreading in our society include decreasing personal saving rates, increasing personal debt, increasing personal bankruptcies and greater access of young people to credit.
What can parents do to help their children learn about money and avoid affluenza? First, set a good example. Use a spending plan, be a wise consumer, pay your bills on time and live within your means. Talk with your children about family values regarding spending and saving. Encourage your teens to set goals and to manage their resources to meet those goals.
By Sara Croymans, University of Minnesota Extension Service
(Sara Croymans is a family resource management educator with the University of Minnesota Extension Service Regional Center, Morris)
What tips do you have for talking to teens about money? Check out the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org] and tell us about your experiences.
Other Related Links:
University of Minnesota Extension Youth and Money web site
http://www.extension.umn.edu/Youth&Money/
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Transitioning from High School to Post-Secondary Schools
High school graduation is an academic achievement and one to be very proud of. We celebrate with our teens by hosting family gatherings and parties. It is also a significant rite of passage. Our young people are stepping into a new world with lots of choices and responsibilities facing them. No wonder high school grads face this transition with trepidation.
Don’t assume your teen is able to adequately anticipate the many issues coming in the next few months. As parents, we need to stay connected to our kids while they begin this journey into young adulthood. They will need your help and guidance. Here are some tips for parents of transitioning young adults:
• Help your child make key decisions about the school they will attend in the fall
• Are registration forms submitted?
• Is the housing application sent in?
• Work out a budget, send in loan requests
• Does your child need a physical and immunizations, should they get a meningitis vaccine? Will you need to transfer prescriptions to a new pharmacy?
• Begin to collect daily living items (sheets, towels, dishes, etc.)
• Be sure and add important school dates on your family calendar
• Help your child open a bank account if not already done
• Attend the summer family orientation sessions at the new school
Help is a key word for many of these tasks, and that help should probably take a different form for each young adult. Some will be very organized. Others will need some prodding. Some will just want to talk things through a bit, but are rather clear about what they want and are doing. Some may want to talk quite a bit. They may need help organizing their thoughts and choices. Others may avoid the topic or get irritated when you bring it up. For these young adults to think about the transition is very unsettling or scary. They may be leaving a world in which they have grown very comfortable and secure and are moving to something very unknown. These teens will probably need gentle nudges (and maybe some not so gentle and maybe quite a few) to keep on track.
It is important to recognize signs of stress during the coming months. Talk about stress management tips (deep slow breathing, exercise, yoga, visualizing, socializing, etc.). It is also important to recognize and talk about signs and symptoms of depression. If you have concerns about your transitioning child’s mental health talk with your family physician or a mental health professional.
In most cases your teen will probably react to this change in ways similar to past reactions to significant changes that have occurred in their life. You know your teen and how they will probably react. Your “help” should fit their reaction to change.
Finally and very importantly, make the most out of this summer. Try to experience some memorable family activities before your grad moves onto this new life experience!
If you have had a son or daughter graduate in recent years, what things helped ease the transition into post-secondary education?
Beyond the Blues: How do I know if my teen is depressed or just being moody?
It’s hard to believe that suicide is the second leading cause of death among 12-24 year olds, second only to unintentional injuries – which includes car crashes. Springtime and the end of the school year are the times of year with the greatest incidences of suicide. Boys are more likely to die from suicide even though girls make far more attempts. Girls tend to choose less lethal methods while boys choose firearms and hanging.
Why would a young person choose suicide? Most likely because they see their situation as being hopeless or unfixable. They feel completely alone and do not ask for help.
It is normal for teens to experience mood changes due to hormonal swings. However if your teen experiences depressive symptoms for more than two consecutive weeks, it is time to seek professional support. Symptoms can include sadness, trouble sleeping, feeling tired all of the time, angry, crying easily, complaints of boredom, avoiding or having conflicts with friends, loss of interest in activities, etc. Often they become irritable or aggressive, or previously “good kids” now get into trouble. Other teens that used to be social and outgoing may become quiet and withdrawn.
Adolescent depression is a serious mental health concern, affecting one in four young people. If you have concerns that your child may be suffering from depression, it is critical that you contact your family physician or mental health care provider. Most important to remember is that teenage depression can be managed effectively and when teens receive treatment the future can be filled with promise, rather than despair.
It is important to take all suicidal gestures seriously; this is not the time to disregard a dramatic teen. Most suicidal people do provide clues. In fact, when asked, most suicidal people will admit they’re considering suicide.
The majority of suicidal people are depressed. It is important that a professional assess the young person. If the young person has a suicide plan do not leave them unattended. Explain that you are taking the situation very seriously.
What’s a parent or loved one to do?
1. Ask if they are feeling suicidal. Find out their intent. Do they have a plan?
2. If you believe they are at risk of suicide work together to make a plan to get help immediately.
3. Seek professional help. Contact you doctor, local clinic, counselor, faith leader.
4. Offer to take the young person to get help.
For more information please contact the following resources:
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) for suicide prevention information. Go to http://www.save.org. Portions of this article are reprinted with permission from SAVE.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for those in crisis or concerned about someone who might be.
Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
Question, Persuade, Refer (QPR) for information on suicide prevention. Go to www.qprinstitute.com
Teen Sexual Activity
The Good News
Despite the media hype, there is good news when it comes to teens and sexual activity: More teens are delaying sexual intercourse, and when teens do become sexually active, more teens are using birth control and condoms. Also, there are fewer teen pregnancies and births.
According to the National Survey of Family Growth, fewer females and males 15-17 have ever had sexual intercourse in 2002 than in both 1988 and 1995 (1). In fact, teen females 15-17 who had ever had sexual intercourse declined 22% between 1995 and 2002. The percent of older teen females 18-19 years old who have had sexual intercourse has not declined significantly (2).
In Minnesota, we see similar trends. According to the Minnesota Student Survey, 20% of MN high school 9th graders and 46% of MN high school 12th graders are sexually active. The percent of sexually active students has declined steadily since 1992, when 30% of 9th graders and 61% of 12th graders were sexually active (3).
Because of the fact that more teens are delaying sexual intercourse, and using birth control and condoms, there are fewer teen pregnancies and births (2). Nationally, the birth rate has gone from 68 per 1,000 females 15-19 in 1972 to 43 per 1,000 females 15-19 (4). Here in Minnesota, the pregnancy rate has drop from 42 per 1,000 females in 1970 to 26 per 1,000 females in 2005 among the same age group (5).
The Not-so-good News
While teen pregnancies and births are on the decline, rates of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) are on the rise. New data released by the Minnesota Department of Health (MDH) shows that a total of 16,428 sexually transmitted disease (STD) cases were reported in Minnesota in 2006. This is the highest number of STDs ever reported in Minnesota in a single year. Teens and young adults are disproportionately affected by Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. In fact, adolescents and young adults accounted for 69% of Chlamydia and 56% of gonorrhea cases reported in 2006 (6).
Your Role as a Parent: What You Can Do!
According to the national survey With One Voice 2007 done by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, teens still report that their parents are the leading influence behind their decisions about sex (47%), above their peers (18%), and the media (3%). Unfortunately, parents often underestimate their role in helping their teens make healthy decisions about sexuality (34%), while at the same time they overestimate the influence of their teen’s friends (41%) and the media (13%) (7).
Talk with your teens about sex, love, and relationships. Don’t just have one “big talk”. Instead, share your values around sexuality with your teen from early on. Teenagers who have parents that are clear about their values around either sexual abstinence or the dangers of unprotected sex, are more likely to delay sexual activity, and/ or to use birth control and condoms when they are sexually active (8).
- Teenagers in the United States: Sexual Activity, Contraceptive Use, and Childbearing, 2002, Vital Health Stat 23. 2004; 24)
- John S. Santelli, et al. Explaining Recent Declines in Adolescent Pregnancy in the United States: The Contribution of Abstinence and Improved Contraceptive Use. Am J Public Health. 2007; 97:150-156.
- Minnesota Student Survey 1992-2004 Trends, Minnesota Department of Education, Health, Human Services, Public Safety and Corrections
- The Allan Guttmacher Institute. Births: Final Data for 2002: National Vital Statistics Report 52(10)
- The Center for Health Statistics, Minnesota Department of Health, 2007
- Minnesota Department of Health, http://www.health.state.mn.us/divs/idepc/dtopics/stds/stats/stdstats2006.html
- Bill Albert, With One Voice 2007: America’s Adults and Teens Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy, A Periodic National Survey, February 2007
- Karen Troccoli, Terms of Engagement: How To Involve Parents In Programs To Prevent Teen Pregnancy, December 2006
Strategies to Make Schools Safe
As a parent are you concerned about school safety?
- Consider this: Research shows that school-based attacks are rarely sudden, impulsive acts. Profiles of school shooters indicate that many felt bullied, persecuted, or injured by others prior to the attack.
- Consider this: Bullying and harmful behavior challenge a sense of school safety or connectedness. For some students, being the victim of bullying is what defines their school experience.
- Consider this: Inclusion is an antidote to bullying. School policies and attention to involving youth in academic and extra curricular activities is very important.
Safe and healthy schools begin with a whole school approach where the focus is on strengthening students’ connectedness to their school. This means that school is a place where students feel like they belong and are cared for. Students who are connected to school are more likely to attend school, do well in school, and participate in extra curricular activities. Schools that focus on student connectedness do so using strategies that actively involve all young people.
In connected schools teachers are consistent. Classrooms have clear and stated expectations and the teachers always respond to inappropriate remarks and behaviors. Schools should also encourage student self-management. One way to do this is by sharing a “do the right thing” message with the student body. For example, if a student is concerned about a peer’s behavior, they should talk to an adult about their worries.
As a parent you may want to find out if your school has developed strategies to address conflict resolution, peer mediation, and restorative measures. Other effective activities include developing peer programming or student organizations such as:
• STAR (Students Together Against Racism)
• Diversity, Identity groups
• Gay Straight Alliances
• WEB/LINK Crews
• Mix it Up Days
• Events for freshmen and their parents such as ‘getting the most out of high school’ evenings.
What is being done to increase student connectedness at your teen’s school? Check out the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org] and tell us about your experiences.
Other Related Links:
No Name-Calling Week Project www.nonamecallingweek.org
The No Name-Calling Week Coalition aims to create safer schools by making bullying, harassment, and name-calling unacceptable through public education campaigns that motivate youth to change their behavior and mobilize students and educators to take school-based action around the problem of name-calling and verbal harassment.
Mix it Up at Lunch Day www.mixitup.org
In 2002, more than 200,000 students across the country took a step toward breaking down boundaries, when they participated in the first Mix It Up at Lunch Day. They sat somewhere new and with someone new in their school cafeterias.
Peer Leadership: Helping Youth Become Change Agents in Their Schools and Communities www.partnersagainsthate.org/publications/
This guide provides educators, parents, and community members with information and resources for establishing peer leadership programs in secondary schools.
Hennepin County Initiative for Violence Free Families http://www.ivff.org/ivff/preventviolenceinschools.htm
This website provides information on preventing violence in middle school, high school and in college.
A Parents' Guide to Cyberbullying and Cyberthreats http://cyberbully.org/docs/cbctparents.pdf
This guide highlights information on how to prevent your child from becoming a victim of or engaging in Cyberbullying.
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Special thanks to Nancy Riestenberg from the MN Department of Education for much of the content of this article.
Drug Trends
Teen substance use is an obvious concern for any parent. Many drugs are very available and priced for a teen's wallet, including alcohol, which is the most common substance used (followed by tobacco and then marijuana). The good news is that the percent of U.S. teens using drugs and drinking alcohol continued a decade-long drop in 2006. Fortunately, there are things parents can do to decrease the odds of teens using substances. One of them is staying informed about the latest drug use trends. The information in the following table is taken from two sources:
1. Monitoring the Future Study—implemented yearly by the University of Michigan. This survey is an ongoing study of the behaviors, attitudes, and values of American secondary school students. The data described below reflects the views of 50,000 8th, 10th and 12th graders in more than 400 schools nationwide.
2. Minnesota Student Survey—implemented by the Minnesota Department of Education. The Minnesota Student Survey is given to 6th, 9th and 12th graders across the state. It is voluntary and anonymous and covers a range of topics, including substance use. The survey has been given every three years since 1989 and will be repeated this spring (2007).
Monitoring the Future—2006 Minnesota Student Survey—2004
- Thirty-day smoking rates continued a very gradual decline in all three grades in 2006, with the largest decline occurring among 12th graders. Current 30-day use of tobacco is 9% for 8th graders, 14% for 10th graders and 22% for 12th graders.
- The percent of students who reported smoking any cigarettes during the past 30 days continued a downward trend in 2004 with 3% of 6th graders, 15% of 9th graders and 27% of 12th graders reporting use of cigarettes in the last 30 days.
- Past 30-day alcohol use has been on the decline for all grade levels since the late 1990’s. Currently 45% of 12th graders use this substance.
- 5% of 6th graders, 28% of 9th graders and 47% of 12th graders reported drinking alcohol in the past 30 days.
- 16% of 9th graders and 35% of 12th graders reported binge drinking (5 or more drinks in a row in the past two-weeks).
- Marijuana, the most widely used illicit drug, showed the fifth consecutive year of decrease among 10th- and 12th- grade students (25% and 32% respectively).
- Very few 6th graders (2%) reported using marijuana in the past year. This compared to 17% of 9th graders and 27% of 12th graders.
- Methamphetamine use declined significantly among 10th graders (2%) this year, but not in the other grades.
- 4% of 9th graders and 5% of 12th graders reported using methamphetamine.
- Crack cocaine use has been gradually declining in all three grades. Currently 1% of 8th graders, 1% of 10th graders and 2% of 12th graders use this substance. • 4% of 9th graders and 5% of 12th graders reported using crack cocaine at least once in the past year.
- Use of prescription-type drugs like narcotics, tranquilizers and sedatives remain relatively high. • 2% of 6th graders, 8% of 9th graders and 9% of 12th graders reported using someone else’s prescription drugs at least once in the last year.
- 12th grade males (31%) are more likely than females (25%) to report having driven 1 or more times under the influence of alcohol or drugs in the last year.
How have you used information on drug trends in the past to keep your teens from using substances like alcohol, tobacco or other drugs? Check out the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org] and tell us about your experiences.
Other Related Links:
Monitoring the Future Study
www.monitoringthefuture.org
Minnesota Student Survey
http://education.state.mn.us/mde/Learning_Support/Safe_and_Healthy_Learners/Minnesota_Student_Survey/index.html
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Monitoring the Future Reference
Johnston, L. D., O'Malley, P. M., Bachman, J. G. & Schulenberg, J. E. (December 21, 2006). Teen drug use continues down in 2006, particularly among older teens; but use of prescription-type drugs remains high. University of Michigan News and Information Services: Ann Arbor, MI. [On-line]. Available: www.monitoringthefuture.org; accessed 02/18/07.
Minnesota Student Survey Reference
Minnesota Student Survey, 2004. St. Paul, MN: Minnesota Department of Education, 2005.
The See It – Say It 6 Step Process
The See It – Say It 6 Step Process
The December issue of the Shoulder to Shoulder e-newsletter discussed a recent poll that showed most parents have difficulty talking to their teens about hard-hitting subjects, especially drug use. And when they do talk, they typically lack skills to do so effectively. In this e-newsletter, we present a six-step process for talking to others when you are concerned about their specific, observable behavior. These behaviors can include the use of alcohol, tobacco and other drugs as well as not completing homework or spending too much time using the Internet.
Our society is filled with messages that tell us to keep quiet when we see behaviors that concern us. Add to this, a feeling that many people have…they simply don’t know enough about problems such as alcoholism or drug addiction. The result is that far too often when people observe risky, illegal or inappropriate behavior, they say nothing. By saying nothing we risk that the young person will either think we approve of their behavior or that we don’t care.
As a parent, friend or peer, none of us can control what a person says or does in reaction to what we say. But we can control what we say, how we say it and where and when we talk to a person about whom we are concerned. While there is no foolproof way to share concern with another person, the following six-step process has worked well for many.
I care. Tell the person that you care about him/her. Establish a personal connection to reduce defensive feelings. Example: I love you and don’t want you to hurt yourself.
I see. Tell the person exactly what he/she has done that concerns you. Present facts, not impressions, based on what you have actually seen. Example: Last night you came home two hours late and smelled of alcohol.
I feel. Tell the person how you feel about the way you see him/her acting. Remove blame from the interaction. Example: I get really scared when you are late and drinking.
LISTEN. After you tell the person that you care, what you’ve seen and how you feel, it’s important to be willing to listen to what he/she says. A variety of responses can be expected. Many will say nothing. They may not have been prepared for this and will not be ready to talk. Some may become angry. Others may thank you. And there are still others who may share with you a problem that goes well beyond what you expected.
I want. Tell the person what you would like to see him/her do. Example: I do not want you to drink alcohol at all until you are old enough to do so legally.
I will. Tell the person what you are willing and able to do to help. Our responses can range from simply being available as a good listener to helping arrange a meeting with someone who can help. Example: I’m always here if you need me to listen or give you ideas about handling situations with your friends.
Remember, the best time to talk with someone about an important topic is:
• When you feel comfortable and private,
• When you’re not likely to be disturbed,
• When you have time to talk things through,
• When neither of you has been drinking or using drugs.
Have you used a specific process talk to your teen about his/her behavior? Check out the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org] and tell us about your experiences.
Other Related Links:
Minnesota Prevention Resource Center—The MPRC provides information about preventing alcohol, tobacco and other drug abuse and related violence. Visit:
www.emprc.org
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Talking to Your Teen About Substance Use
Talking to Your Teen About Substance Use
The National Youth Anti-drug Media Campaign is urging parents to sharpen their conversation skills, in response to a new survey that focuses on trends in parent-teen interaction. A recent poll shows that most parents have difficulty talking to their teens about hard-hitting subjects, especially drug use. And when they do talk, they typically lack skills to do so effectively.
The survey, conducted by research and training company VitalSmarts, studied the kinds of conversations parents have with teens and whether they feel comfortable and confident talking to them. When it comes to tough topics like drug use, most parents (52%) admit to having difficulty with those conversations. Even more troubling is that while nearly half of parents (48%) know their teens are exposed to drugs, that awareness is not create action.
Many adults have been hesitant to accept the fact that drug use is widespread among young people. Others are so concerned about the attention given to the use of marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamines and other illegal drugs that they are relieved when young people are “just drinking or smoking.” This assumption is dangerous because it is clear that alcohol use contributes to more teen risk taking behaviors and the most teen deaths.
So why is it important to talk to your teen about tobacco and alcohol use:
• Tobacco use has serious long-term health consequences and its use often precedes the use of other drugs. Adolescents are also more likely than adults to get addicted to nicotine, the most powerful chemical in tobacco.
• Alcohol use deserves attention because a disturbing number of students report heavy drinking, driving after drinking and riding with a drunk driver. In addition, using alcohol also precedes the use of other drugs.
Parents need to talk about alcohol, tobacco and other drug use and establish clear guidelines that their use is unacceptable. And this is not a conversation that will “just come up” when you are talking with your teen. As a parent, you will need to proactively talk about drug use.
Remember:
• One of the predictors of low or nonuse by young people is a belief that their parents will be upset if they smoke, drink or use other drugs.
• It is important to talk early and often and then talk some more.
How have you talked to your teen about substance use? Check out the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org] and tell us about your experiences.
Other Related Links:
For more detail on the VitalSmarts poll, visit: http://www.mediacampaign.org/crucl_connctns/index.html
For more information on the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign, visit:
http://theantidrug.com/
Parenting Your Teen in Different Households
Parenting your teen in different households
Parenting a teen when you’re not living with that teen’s other parent isn’t easy – but with cooperation and planning, it can work! No matter what your parenting time arrangement is, it’s important to have a set of guidelines for co-parenting that will help your teen thrive.
First and most importantly, you and your teen’s other parent must be able to communicate – civilly and for the benefit of your teen. This is parent to parent communication – not communicating through your child. Check out the following presentation – Tips for Talking with Your Child’s Other Parent (when you really would rather not) for ideas on how to communicate effectively. https://breeze5.umn.edu/p23587756/.
Secondly, be consistent. Its best when parents have similar rules, but if that isn’t possible, make sure your own home rules and expectations are clear and you follow through. When at least one parent uses a Positive Parenting style – that balances love, limits and models respect - teens will do better.
Encourage contact with the other parent. Sometimes this requires creativity as teens get busy with their activities and friends. One strategy is for both parents to get involved with school or community activities such as the sports booster club, church activities or driving duty. It really helps to share these tasks and this gives a parent who does not have physical custody, more opportunities for everyday parenting experiences.
Work with the other parent to develop a parenting plan. This helps you organize the decisions you both need to make such as:
a parenting time schedule
guidelines you will both follow such as curfews, driving, working and activities
contact with the school and other organizations in your teen’s life
how to handle emergencies/health care, etc.
financial issues and many more topics
If you are co-parenting a teen in different homes, what has worked for you? Check out the Shoulder to Shoulder blog [www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org] and tell us about your experiences.
Other Related Links:
For information on communication with your teen’s other parent:
http://www.parenting.umn.edu/programs/parentsForever/weAgree/communication/index.htm
For information on Parenting Plans:
http://www.parenting.umn.edu/programs/parentsForever/weAgree/index.htm
Talking With Your Teen
Are you making the most of the time you spend talking with you teen?
Despite what you might be experiencing, teens do like to talk. This is especially true if they have a willing listener and can discuss topics that are of interest to them.
As a parent, being an active participant in conversations with your teen is key. Just responding “uh huh” or trying to do five other things during the conversation shows your teen that you really aren’t that interested. If this happens time after time, your teen is likely to go and find someone else to talk to. Following are some tips for talking with your teen:
• Listen when your teen wants to talk. It could be in the middle of fixing dinner or at midnight. Don’t loose the opportunity - stop what you are doing and sit down with your teen.
• Ask questions. This shows that you are interested in understanding what your teen has to say.
• Praise your teen. Look for opportunities during the conversations to tell your teen you are proud of them and their choices.
• Try to be fair. You don’t always have to agree with your teen and you don’t always have to do what your teen wants, but you should give them a fair chance to explain their point of view.
• Don’t try to solve their problems and give them all the answers. What teens need is a chance to talk about things they are trying to figure out with an adult. They usually aren’t asking for your advise or opinions. And they don’t expect you to know everything. They just want you to listen.
After all of that, many of you might be saying, “These ideas are all great, but my teen and I don’t have anything to talk about in the first place.” Not true, all you need are some ideas or conversation starters to get those talks going. The following website has some great questions—some serious, others not so serious—that will get you, your teen and the rest of your family talking.
Go to http://www.tricitypartners.org/alcohol/conversationstarters.htm and click on Let’s Talk Questions to download a list of 100 things you and your teen can discuss over dinner, during a car ride or before bed.
How do you get your teen to talk? Share your suggestions with other parents of teens on the Shoulders to Shoulder parent blog. It’s on our web site at:
For additional real advice from real parents visit our web site: www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Pass It On—forward this to other parents of teens or the caring adults in their lives.
Teens and Social Networking Websites AKA MySpace
Friends are everything to a teen. New technologies in the last few years have provided ample opportunities for teens to make “cyber” friends in addition to their real world friends. Websites such as MySpace, Xanga and Friendster are social networking websites. These websites have wide appeal for teens and the number of users is growing daily.
The most popular feature that social network sites provide are personal webpages. The sites provide many options for teens to create a page complete with pictures, interests, preferences and other information about themselves. Teens can allow as many or as few “friends” to view the page by the kinds of restrictions they choose.
Issues for Parents and Teens
Parents and caregivers need to know something about social networking sites. Check out the websites below to experience what these look like and how they work. Look for what kinds of information people are posting including age, interests and photos. Consider what impression the information conveys.
www.myspace.com
www.friendster.com
www.xanga.com
Teens may think that these social networking web sites only appeal to their friends and peers, but the fact is, people of all ages, interests and backgrounds can and do access the websites. Social networking websites pose risks and unintended consequences about which both parents and teens need to be concerned. For example:
- Safety is first and foremost. There are a number of cases where sexual predators have been able to locate teens through the information that is posted.
- Information the teen thought would only be of interest to their friends can get in the hands of others with negative results. For example, news about a friend gets to others who use it to bully the person.
- Employers find information about the person’s past as they look for a job.
Why Do Teens Do What they Do?
As a parent, it’s important to understand the appeal social networking websites and other web features have for teens. Remember friends are everything to a teen. As today’s teens are growing up, they view the Internet as a place to “hang out.” Using the Internet to connect to friends they know in person and to make new friends is just a natural step.
Tips for Parents
- Learn what your teen is doing on the Internet.
- Help teens know what is appropriate to put on the web. They have the web knowledge but you have the life experience.
- Be clear about what is not safe to post on the web: full name, address, phone numbers, specific places they go, ethnic background and anything else that might help someone identify or locate them.
- Stress that the rules of social networking sites must be followed.
- Invite your teen to show his web page.
- Consider joining the same website your teen is on. That way you can look at her page. Knowing this, teens will be much better at self-monitoring.
It’s Not all Bad
Much of what is in the news about social networking websites has been negative. While there are very serious privacy and safety issues, there are many positive things about these websites - when they are used appropriately:
- Creation of a personal web page can be a very creative outlet for a teen.
- Frequent online entries can give teens practice in writing and expressing their thoughts and opinions.
- Teens are learning how to manipulate and use large amounts of information to a higher degree than previous generations.
- Teens are also learning skills needed to build a website and use other technologies.
Shoulder to Shoulder would like to thank the University of Minnesota Extension Service for allowing us to excerpt the above E-news announcement from their Teen Talk newsletter series. To see this article in its entirely, please visit:
www.extension.umn.edu/familieswithteens
For further information on Social Networking, check on these websites:
www.wiredsafety.org
www.mediafamily.org
www.webwisekids.org
www.netsmartz.org
Getting Ready for the New School Year
“My daughter’s classes at school have gotten so difficult that I’m not sure I can really help her out.”
Familiar feeling? You will always be your child’s first teacher. Don’t underestimate your knowledge and experience – they are very valuable to your teen. Much of what you have to offer during the teen years is continued support and to help your teen find additional resources or help when needed. Still feel a little uncertain? There is help!
Check out public library homework help programs!
- The St. Paul Public Library’s Live Homework Help program is a PC-based application that you (or your teen) log onto with their library card. Live tutors “chat” with students to help them with their homework from 3 to 10 pm every day – and the service is available in Spanish, too! For in-person help, many St. Paul library branches have Homework Centers in their locations. Check out http://www.stpaul.lib.mn.us/homework/ or call 651-266-7401 for more information.
- The Minneapolis Public Library offers the Homework Helper program, which offers drop-in, in-person Homework Help for students in grades K-12 in several locations. Beginning October 1st the Minneapolis Public Library will also offer the online Live Homework Help program in both English and Spanish. Check out www.mplib.org or call 612-630-6000 for more information.
Don’t have a Minneapolis or St. Paul library card? You don’t have to be a resident; just have your library card registered at a Minneapolis or St. Paul library location and you will be able to access these homework help programs.
Check with your local school for their web-based resources. Sign up for parent portals through school websites to monitor grades and attendance. Your son or daughter’s teachers may also have a classroom homepage where you can check daily announcements and home work assignments. Your school may also have homework helplines, parent resource centers, School-Family-Community Partnerships, school newsletters and other resources available at your fingertips.
Staying connected with your teen, setting standards and expectations, making sure he/she gets enough sleep, providing opportunities to learn, and modeling enjoyment in learning can help your teen succeed in school – and ultimately in life.
Summer Reading
Summer – sweet summertime! Warm temps, great summer breezes, leisure time and… approximately three months of free time opportunities for your teen. Hmmm, what are some activities to keep your teen safe during these months?
Research tells us that over the summer months, students “lose” some of what they have been taught during the pervious school year. One way to counter that effect – Reading! Summer time is reading time for children and teens – studies show students who read over the summer perform better in school than those who do not read during their summer break. Reading opens up worlds of imagination, builds positive attitudes about learning, and develops skills needed for success in school and life.
How does a parent motivate a teen to read during the summer? Here’s some tips from the Minneapolis Public Library’s new Teen Central – a space by teens for teens.
- Reading during the summer should be fun – let teens choose what they want to read – including magazines and comic books.
- Remember non-fiction titles, especially for boys! Remember biographies, true-life and how-to books – especially about topics they already enjoy.
- Set a good example – let teens see you reading. Make a time and a place for reading in your home.
- You’re never too old to enjoy being read to – consider family read-alouds or books on CD for longer car rides.
- Talking about books makes them real! Start or join a book group. Most metro-area libraries offer regular groups for a variety of attendees – just guys, teens, parents and teens, etc.
- Encourage your teen to get a library card and use it! Keep books everywhere!
Library systems in the metro area – and across the state – can be a valuable resource. Many offer classes and activities for teens. Here are some websites that can assist you in finding libraries in your area – and their activities for teens.
Anoka County: http://www.anoka.lib.mn.us/
Carver County: http://www.carverlib.org/
Dakota County: http://www.co.dakota.mn.us/Library/
Hennepin County: http://www.hclib.org/pub/info/locations.cfm
Ramsey County: http://www.ramsey.lib.mn.us/
Scott County: http://www.scott.lib.mn.us/
Washington County: http://www.co.washington.mn.us/info_for_residents/library/
City of Minneapolis: http://www.mplib.org/locations.asp
City of St Paul: http://www.stpaul.lib.mn.us/locations/
All areas of Minnesota: http://www.publiclibraries.com/minnesota.htm
For more tips on teens and reading visit the American Library Association’s Teen Read week site, www.ala.org/teenread or Reading is Fundamental, http://www.rif.org/parents/tips/tip.mspx?View=19.
Summer can be relaxing and fun – for both you and your teen!
Is your pre-teen or teen ready to home alone this summer?
Summer has arrived….and a question that might be going through your mind is “Should I leave my child home alone this summer?” Perhaps you are going through pro’s and con’s, trying to make that decision – which is a big step for every family. Here are some suggestions to think through as you consider your options.
How mature is my child? Children vary widely in their ability to follow directions, occupy themselves, cope sensibly with unexpected situations, and resist temptation. Age alone, is not a reliable guide.
How safe and familiar is my neighborhood? A familiar neighbor, family member or friend that would be willing to check in with your child can ease your mind and be a sense of security for your child. If someone is not available, you may want to reconsider your decision to leave your child alone.
How does my child feel about being home alone? Since children mature differently and there is no specific age when children are ready to stay home alone, it is important to ask and listen to how your child feels about being home alone.
Once you have decided that it is safe to leave your child, talk to them about safety issues. For example:
- Never open the door for anyone.
- Teach your children how to answer the phone and take messages without indicating they are alone. Or have them use caller ID or an answering machine to screen calls.
- Have a plan in case something goes wrong. Post emergency numbers, parents’ work and/or cell phone numbers, and numbers of neighbors or relatives who could assist if needed. Have a back up plan if you can’t be reached.
- Role-play with your child what they would do and say if they need to call 9-1-1. Tell them to give their full name, address, and telephone number, and to stay on the line until instructed by emergency personnel to hang up.
- Go over fire procedures and practice escaping from every room.
Discuss and set clear rules, with your child’s input, for when they are home alone. Go over the rules periodically and post them in a prominent place.
- Will friends be allowed in the house?
- What are the child’s boundaries? Can she play outside or visit the neighbors? Can he ride his bike, go to the playground, etc.? How far from home can she venture?
- Are there time limits for telephone conversations?
- What are acceptable snacks?
- How will time alone be used? Work on a time schedule, with times for checking in with parents, TV, computer, phone use, and chores.
- Let them know you will be checking in at unpredictable times to see how they are doing.
Finally, it is wise to check with your local police department to be sure that you are in compliance with your city’s ordinance for the ages that children can be left home alone.
Staying home alone is a big responsibility – make sure you child has the skills they need to be safe and feel comfortable.
Visit www.parenting.umn.edu for more information on Families with Teens.
Visit www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org for additional parenting tips.
Sit-down family dinners can help prevent teen drug abuse
If you want to prevent your teenager from abusing alcohol or other drugs, eat dinner with him or her most days of the week. This is just one finding about the power of family dinners from the study, “The Importance of Family Dinners II.” This research has consistently shown that teenagers who eat dinner more often with their families are less likely to drink, smoke cigarettes, or use other drugs.
This most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week. Those who ate two or less family dinners were:
Three times more likely to try marijuana.
Two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke cigarettes.
One-and-a-half times more likely to drink alcohol.
The researchers also linked more frequent family dinners with:
Lower levels of family tension.
Teenagers who more often said that their parents are proud of them.
Teenagers who more often said that they can talk to their parents about a serious problem.
This research confirms the common-sense notion that shared dinners make for stronger families. Yet many parents are challenged to put this simple idea into practice because there isn't enough time to go around. Between after-school activity schedules, parent's work schedules, peer groups and homework, making connections in the family requires a lot of effort these days. Here are a few suggestions that might help:
Make it a requirement. Set a non-negotiable rule about the number of dinners that your teenager is expected to eat with you each week.
Involve teenagers in all phases of the meal. Involve teenagers in planning and preparing their favorite meals.
Make meals enjoyable. While it isn't always possible to avoid discussions on touchy topics—for example, homework and peer groups—effort should be made to talk about things that interest all members of the family and won't cause conflict.
Make it take-out. Or a late supper or even dinner out. The important thing is the time talking together, not a fancy meal at exactly the same time each night.
Ask open-ended questions. What could we do to have more fun as a family? What’s your dream job? Questions like these are more likely to open up conversations.
Keep eating together as your teenager matures. The research also showed that the number of family meals declined as teens got older. At the same time, the risk of using substances is going up. Even through your teen is nearing adulthood, a 16- or 17-year-old still needs guidance, support and a connection to their parents.
Visit www.casacolumbia.org for more information on the CASA study. Click on publications and then reports.
Visit www.tricitypartners.org for a list of open-ended questions that you can discuss with your teen. Click on Let’s Talk Tins and then Let’s Talk Questions.
Visit www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org for additional parenting tips.
New Resource Added to the Shoulder to Shoulder Website:
Navigating the Teen Years: A Parent’s Handbook for Raising Healthy Teens
This booklet contains several quick checks to ensure that you are tuning into your teen, setting expectations and rules, monitoring and respecting your teen and being a good role model. In addition, there are three checklists with easy steps that can be done each day, week and month. Visit: http://www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org/?q=node/22 to view this .pdf document.
Be An "Askable" Parent
Research is clear – teens that have strong connections to their parents postpone sexual activity. Young people who have clear values about sexuality are more likely to make healthy decisions and have a strong self-esteem.
There is a wealth of resources to support parents so they can be their teen’s primary sexuality educator.
Begin talking about sexuality early in your child’s life. Experts say it is better to have many conversations about sexuality rather than having “The Big Talk.”
- Be an askable parent. Tell your teen that there are no dumb questions and that you will respect any questions they ask.
- If you’re uncomfortable about talking to your teen, have conversations in the car where neither of you have to look at one another and you have a “captive audience.” Even better – talk at night when it’s dark. Or, talk to your teen after they’ve gone to bed, keep the lights out–-being in the dark may keep you both at ease.
- Take advantage of “teachable moments” such as situations in the news or a TV show.
- Keep listening, even if you’re surprised by something your teen has said to you. You earn your teen’s trust by continuing to listen despite your desire to react. Respond by saying, “tell me more about that.” Keep them talking.
- Clearly communicate your values and expectations. Teens who are very clear about their parent’s values and expectations are more likely to postpone sexual activity.
- Role-play possible solutions to situations that may put your teen at risk. Your teen does not have the capacity to always make good judgment when situations heat up.
- Seek support from other parents of teens – you are not alone!
If you think that talking about sex encourages your teen to have sex – research tells us that is not true. In fact, if you don’t do the talking, your teen will find other sources of information about sex that are not accurate or give messages that are different from your family’s beliefs.
For further information, check on these websites:
www.advocatesforyouth.org
www.moappp.org
www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Internet Safety
In today’s technologically advanced society, keeping children off of the Internet is probably not feasible. Whether at school, a friend’s house or in your own home, computers that are connected to the Internet are easily accessible. As a parent, your goal is to manage your child’s Internet access in a way that fits within the values and rules that have been established in your household. In addition to sharing those values and rules with your teen, there are several things you can do to minimize the risks to your child when he or she is online:
- First, talk with your teen. Spend time with your child while they are online. Visit age-appropriate sites and discuss your values about reasonable Internet use.
- Put the computer in a common room. The computer should sit in the kitchen or living room with the monitor facing out toward the room rather than toward the wall.
- Say “explain this to me.” If you see something on the computer screen that you do not understand, ask your teen to tell you about it.
- Maintain access to your child’s online accounts (e.g. email, blogs). Let your child know that you will randomly check them.
- Use parental controls or blocking software. While these can be useful tools, they should not be the only resource used to protect your children while they are online. Software should never take the place of parental monitoring and conversations between you and your teen.
- Create your own profile if you are concerned about a specific social networking (e.g. www.myspace.com) website. This will “open more doors to you” in the website and give you a better idea of what your child is seeing and reading.
- Remind your teen that they should never arrange a face-to-face meeting with someone they meet online, post personal pictures, share identifying information or download materials from an unknown source.
- Trust your instincts when it comes to a website’s content. If you are not comfortable, there is probably a reason.
For further information on Internet Safety, check on these websites:
http://www.wiredsafety.org
http://www.mediafamily.org/online/onlinesafety.shtml
http://www.mediafamily.org/online/index.shtml
http://www.missingkids.com/
Teen Curfew
The topic of curfew can easily become a battleground with your teen. Teens are seeking to increase their independence – and parents are trying to protect their daughter or son while keeping teens safe and healthy.
How can this potential 'hot spot' be addressed? Certainly parents need to continue setting limits and providing guidance for time spent away from home. However, it helps to involve your son or daughter in the decision making process.
- Talk with your daughter or son, explain that you care about them and are concerned for their safety. Talk about your concerns and why a curfew is important to you.
- Check your local city’s curfew times. Many communities have established times in accordance to age (i.e. under 12, 12-14, 15-17). Check the Shoulder to Shoulder website http://shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org for curfew information in the seven county metro area. For greater Minnesota please check with your local law enforcement.
- Connect with other parents in the neighborhood to discuss curfews and establish common rules. Your child should find it easier to comply with a family curfew if their friends must follow similar rules.
- Involve your teen in the decision making process. After talking with your son or daughter, decide together what would be an acceptable time to be home. Differentiate between school nights and weekends – and for special events. However, you as the parent will make the final decision. Rules can be modified if your daughter or son shows responsibility by sticking to the curfew.
- Have clearly established rules and expectations that all family members understand. Establish a rule that your son or daughter always let you know where they are going and what time they plan on returning. Emphasize the importance of calling home if they are going to be late.
- Talk together about the consequences for breaking the curfew. Decide if there will be a warning for the first offense – and if the rules aren’t working retain the right as a parent to change the consequence.
- Establish an emergency plan. Talk with your daughter or son about a plan for any problems that may arise while he/she is away from home. Use a code word that you and your teen both recognize as a signal they need a ride – rather than having your teen ride in a vehicle with an intoxicated driver.
- Praise your teen for making good decisions!
Source: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, Growing Concerns
Help Your Teenager Schedule Activities Wisely This Year
The second half of the school year is especially busy. Winter and spring sports often overlap. There are spring plays and concerts. There are often standardized tests to prepare for. It's far too easy for a teen to go on overload.
Keep this from happening with a little advance planning:
- Figure out exactly how much time your teen has. Calculate time for school, sleep, meals, showers, activities, sports, TV, a job and whatever else your teen wants to do. It may help to have your teen make a weekly time chart.
- Have your teen list the ways he would like to spend his after-school time. Have him estimate how much time he thinks each activity will take. Don't forget to include the time it takes to get to and from activities!
- Have your teen rank the activities according to how important they are to her.
- Help your teen choose a schedule. Consider both how important the activities are and how much time they take. For most teens, at least one thing may have to wait until summer or the next year.
What's new at Shoulder to Shoulder?
Most parents and teens do battle, and these "power struggles" test everyone's patience. You casually ask your daughter if she is going to wear that shirt, and she retorts, "Don't freak out mom!" What's a parent to do? While these challenges are a normal part of every day life with teens, there are steps to take to avoid (or at least reduce) the "freak out" route. Visit our web site for great ideas.
Hottest Gifts for Teens
Sometimes the hottest gifts parents can give their teens are 'non-gift gifts.' December, when teens have a few days off for winter break, offers a great opportunity for parents and teens to set aside some time to spend with one another.
Here are a few ideas of non-gift gifts that teens will love:
- Host a teen-parent holiday party. A great strategy to get to know parents and friends of your teen while having fun.
- Plan a father/daughter or mother/son outing.
- Prepare a favorite meal together. Make a point to eat together for a whole week and it may become a habit.
- Volunteer together for a special cause.
- Take in a movie. Surprise your teen and agree to treat her to one she wants to see.
- Try a new way to exercise. Have you tried ice-skating?
- Agree to keep the TV off for a whole evening. How about playing a board game instead.
- Read the same book. Ask a librarian to help you come up with a list of books with teen appeal. Let your teen choose which one you'll read. After you're done, schedule a date to have dessert and talk about the book.
- Tackle a project together. How about painting a room or building a shelf? If you need some pointers, try the library. It has plenty of how-to-book