What’s the good news about parenting teens?
How do I know if my teen is using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs?
How do I know if my teen is depressed or just being moody?
I think my child is sexually active. Will encouraging him/her to go to the doctor to talk about contraceptives encourage them to continue to have sex?
What changes can you expect when your child becomes a teen?
How can I monitor my kids when I am working?
Do peers have more influence than I do with my teen?
Why does everything have to be a battle?
My teen's other parent has a different parenting style and different house rules. How can this be managed?
My son comes home after his curfew, even when we threaten to take away his keys. What can I do?
How do I prepare my teen to enter middle school or high school?
My normally talkative 12-year-old doesn’t talk any more. Should I be concerned?
What’s the good news about parenting teens?
Believe it or not, the teen years are good years. They are some of the most physically healthy years of human life. This is a time for you to create lasting connections with your teen. How? There are many options available that you may not have considered earlier in your child’s life:
- take a class together – try dog obedience, beading or a cooking class
- join a book club
- cook a meal together
- share a subscription to a favorite teen magazine and talk about one article
Contrary to the popular image of teens throwing wild parties and doing battle with parents, most parents and teens navigate “teenhood” quite well—with relatively few problems. You are the main influence in your teen’s life. While you may not feel as though you have as much control over your teen’s actions, they are still paying attention to what you say and do. You are their guide. Your values do matter.
How do I know if my teen is using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs?
Adolescence is a time when young people test limits, challenge authority and discover who they are. Detecting substance use can be difficult because changes in your teen’s mood, temper and attitude as well as changes in sleep habits or interest in friends and hobbies are common during these years. While it is difficult to distinguish typical adolescent behavior from drug induced behavior, you should look for dramatic changes in these areas:
- negative changes in schoolwork over 2 or 3 terms,
- happy, cheerful, talkative and full of energy followed by unusual, sudden mood changes including becoming sullen, lethargic, swearing and anger
- increased secrecy
- increased use of perfumes, room deodorizers or incense
- new friends
- borrowing money for unexplained reasons
- evidence of drug paraphernalia (e.g. pipes and rolling papers)
- new use of mouthwash (covers the smell of alcohol) or eye drops (hides dilated pupils)
Pay special attention to signs of tobacco use. The average age of first use of tobacco is 12-years-old. Tobacco is a “gateway” drug—many studies have shown that children who use tobacco are significantly more likely to experiment with alcohol and other drugs.
If you have concerns, it is really important to talk with your teen. Be very clear about your expectations that he/she not use tobacco or alcohol and does not use illicit drugs or misuse prescription drugs. It is important to set clear ground rules in the family about your expectations and make sure your children know that you will enforce these rules. If you suspect your teen is using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs, confront all symptoms of impairment. Contact your health care provider, insurance company or call First Call for Help at 211 to find a provider in your community who specializes in chemical dependency issues and treatment. These providers are health care professionals, trained and certified to help people who abuse substances. Parenting for Prevention, by David J. Wilmes, is a guide that will help to raise your teen to say no to drugs and alcohol before problems arise. For additional information go to http://www.emprc.org or http://www.theantidrug.com.
How do I know if my teen is depressed or just being moody?
It is normal for teens to experience mood changes due to hormonal swings. However if your teen experiences depressive symptoms for more than two consecutive weeks, it is time to seek professional support. Symptoms can include sadness, trouble sleeping, feeling tired all of the time, angry, moody, crying easily, complaints of boredom, avoiding or having conflicts with friends, loss of interest in activities, etc. Often they become unusually irritable or aggressive, or previously “good kids” now get into trouble. Other teens that used to be social and outgoing may become quiet and withdrawn.
Adolescent depression is a serious mental health concern, affecting one in four young people. If you have concerns that your child may be suffering from depression, it is critical that you contact your family physician or other mental health care provider. Most important to remember is that teenage depression can be managed effectively and when teens receive treatment the future can be filled with promise, rather than despair. For more information go to http://www.save.org.
This is not the time to avoid the issue. Have an honest conversation with your teen and explain your values and concerns about their being sexually active. If you suspect your child is sexually active, you need to be sure they have the knowledge and access to health care to stay healthy and avoid pregnancy. The goal of this conversation is to send your teen a message about responsible sexual behavior. This includes abstinence, use of contraceptives and preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
If your child shares that he/she is sexually active, it is okay to express your concerns about potential consequences. It is important to have a frank discussion about preventing pregnancy and STIs. It is important that your teen, if sexually active, be tested for STIs and choose an effective method of contraception.
Explain to your child that he/she can make an appointment with your family physician or can go to a reproductive health care clinic specifically serving young people. Add that you are willing to help make the appointment or are willing to go with them to the appointment. If your teen asks you to come with to the appointment, you could also offer to sit in the waiting while he/she visits with the doctor.
For more information go to http://www.moappp.org or http://www.neahin.org/canwetalk/.
What changes can you expect when your child becomes a teen?
The teen years are some of the most healthy years in the human life, but they are also the ones when teenagers undergo a variety of changes. These changes include:
- physical and sexual maturity
- a growing circle of peers or romantic relationships
- distancing themselves emotionally from parents and other close family members
- de-idolizing parents and seeing them as having faults
- questioning parents’ values
- wanting more of the family resources
- establishing their own identity and life goals
While these changes are happening, it is normal for teens to:
- misread others’ body language
- be territorial
- respond with anger
- be moody
- be aggressive
- be impulsive
- act before thinking about consequences
Research on teen brain development helps us understand "why kids do the things they do." For instance, it may not be that your child is being disrespectful or disregarding your requests it may simply be that your expectations have "evaporated" in their immature brain. We also know that the teenage brain get easily over-stimulated and can very easily "tune out" others— especially their parents.
The biggest concerns during this time are the risky behaviors that teens may choose. See questions on signs of alcohol, tobacco and other drug use and sexual activity.
And remember, normal teen development also takes its toll on parents as you adjust to these changes. Be sure to take care of yourself—physically and mentally—and seek support when needed.
For more information, read Why do they Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh, Ph.D. or visit http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/teenbrain.cfm.
How can I monitor my kids when I am working?
It is important to continue to monitor your teen when you are out of the home. Knowing where your teen is, especially In the evenings and on weekends is very important because these are times when teens are most likely to experiment with risky behavior. Other parents and professionals have several suggestions for monitoring your teens:
- enroll them in an after school activity or community program that is in line with their current interests or offers something new for them to learn
- set up clear expectations for what your teen needs to do after arriving home from school
- establish clear guidelines for having friends in the house when you are not home
- establish a check-in system for your teen to call from a home phone at a certain time
- check-in with neighbors to see if your teen has arrived home
Many families successfully assign the “monitoring” of younger children to older teens. This gives older teens a task that will occupy their time. You should also consider establishing rules or limits about what media choices are appropriate for your teen and enforce these limits by installing filters or blocks on the internet or television channels. For more information go to http://www.wiredsafety.org.
Most important, keep the relationship with your teen strong. When you and your teen have an emotional connection, your teens will be more likely to consider your rules and values when they are in situations where they could make bad choices.
Do peers have more influence than I do with my teen?
No, you are the major influence on your teen’s beliefs and behaviors throughout the teen years and young adulthood, provided you have a strong connection with your teen. For example:
- your teen will not choose a peer group randomly and not all peer groups are bad
- your teen will tend to choose friends who have values similar to their family
- there tends to be some experimentation with peer group choice, this is a normal process of ‘trying on’ different identities
- peers are a big influence on clothing, activities, & style—the focus is on “fitting in”
- parents are a major influence on the values and life decisions teens make
A key to maintaining your influence with your teen is getting to know your teen’s friends and their parents. You should also make it a priority to eat at least one meal together each week, stay connected to your teen through daily conversations and set the expectation that your teen participate in family functions or celebrations. For more information visit http://www.casacolumbia.org/supportcasa/item.asp?cID=12&PID=141 to read about the importance of family dinners or visit http://www.tricitypartners.org/alcohol/conversationstarters.htm to find conversation starters for busy families.
Why does everything have to be a battle?
Here, it may be best to use the adage, an “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” By establishing guidelines for things like teen clothing, hairstyles, body piercing or tattoos, you may successfully avoid some battles. Also, you should consider the “non-negotiable” and clearly state these expectations to your teen. Non-negotiable might include no drinking, no driving or riding in a vehicle with a driver who has been drinking, not opening the door for strangers, and not getting into a car with strangers.
While it is great to prevent as many things as possible, there are times when battles just cannot be predicted. In these cases, you should consider strategies to help you cope with disagreements and keep them from escalating into major power struggles:
- stay calm and remember you are in charge – you are the adult
- don’t engage in power struggles about how to think and who is right
- focus on the important issues of health and safety
- model the language and tone of voice you expect from your teen
- ignore the small stuff
Finally, don’t take it personally. It is common for teens to question rules and values. One lesson they learn by questioning you is to stand up for themselves in a safe place—at home. This teaches them the skills to stand up for themselves outside the home and to say no to things they don’t like.
Different parents, different rules. This may happen even if parents are still together. Parents can’t expect that they will react the same in all situations. Unless the rule or lack of one is harmful to the child, the children should know that when they are with you, they obey your rules. When they’re with their other parent, his/her rules apply. It is healthy for teens to learn to adapt their behavior to different situations.
Yet, different parenting styles can cause conflict between parents. While it is best to have conversations with your teen’s other parent to determine similar rules and expectations across households, this is not always possible. Keep in mind you can only control your own parenting style and that your child will do better if at least one parent uses a positive parenting style. Your teen needs you to:
- love them unconditionally
- set rules and have high expectations for their behavior
- monitor their activities and friends
- be a role model for how to deal with conflict, stress and communication in your relationship with the other parent
For more information go to http://www.parenting.umn.edu or http://www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/families/BE713.html.
My son comes home after his curfew, even when we threaten to take away his keys. What can I do?
Check the curfew laws in your community See Shoulder To Shoulder's Resources section and share them with your teen. Let them know there are actual laws that will result in consequences if they don’t follow the rules (e.g. receiving a ticket, having parent(s) called to pick them up, etc.). If you are concerned that the times for local curfews are later than your expectations, check with the parents of your teen’s friends to see what their curfew rules are and how they compare to yours. If you discover they are different, figure out when you can extend the curfew and when you can’t. For example a late movie or an agreement that your teen check in to let you know where they are and when they expect to be home. If these rules aren’t followed, make sure you have communicated consequences to your teen and follow through with the consequences – taking keys away, grounding, losing a privilege.
The following story illustrates what one mom and dad did to enforce their household’s rules:
“With our son, Patrick, going off to college in the fall, my husband and I decided we wanted to ‘test’ his judgment and common sense before he started living independently. We did this by removing his curfew for the summer. However, we did have the following expectations: he needed to be reasonable in determining his hours, he needed to let us know when he planned to be home, he needed to call if he was going to be significantly later than planned, and he needed to check in with us when arriving home. Things were going fairly well until Patrick decided to test the boundaries one Sunday night. He got caught up in a movie he was watching at a friend’s house and lost track of time. Five minutes before he planned to be home, Patrick called saying he would now be coming home at 1 a.m. At 1:30 a.m. my husband and I woke up wondering if Patrick had come home. Perhaps we were too sleepy to remember him checking in with us. I got up and looked for Patrick and his car. Neither was home. We were upset that our sleep had been disrupted but were also concerned that something might have happened to Patrick. My husband decided not to call him on his cell phone. He wanted to let the situation play out and see how Patrick would behave. Since we lived in a fairly quite neighborhood, we rarely found it necessary to lock our doors at night. This habit turned out to be to our advantage on this particular evening. Instead of going back to sleep we locked the house and garage doors and waited. At 2:45 a.m. we heard Patrick’s car pull into the driveway. We heard him trying to get into the house (since we rarely locked the house, Patrick did not have a key to open the door). Then the phone rang. It was Patrick saying we had made a mistake and locked him out. After confirming that he was fine and had simply used poor judgment, we decided to let Patrick experience disrupted sleep by having him sleep in his car the rest of the night. We didn’t have another curfew problem for the rest of summer!”
How do I prepare my teen to enter middle school or high school?
School connectedness is associated with better emotional health, higher academic goals and performance, as well as less risk-taking behaviors. To make a connection between your child and his/her school, there are several things you can do:
- visit the new school, attend the open house, meet the administrators and teachers, walk through the building, accompany your child to practice unlocking the locker, finding the gym locker room, cafeteria, etc.
- listen to your adolescent’s concerns and validate that change is hard
- verbally “walk through” the first day of school and anticipate possible challenges and role play solutions your teen can use
- be clear that attending school is important – this is a firm and non-negotiable rule
- emphasize that school is more important than employment, sports or other extra curricular activities
- keep in touch with school by attending parent-teacher conferences
- know your teens’ class schedules and pay attention to their grades
- make homework part of the family routine by creating space, time and the expectation that homework is completed
Check in with your teen. Ask how he/she is navigating the new school. Help him/her identify the things that are going well and address emerging problems/challenges.
It is also very important to get to know your teen’s teachers and school counselor, so that if you have concerns, you’ll be more at ease when asking for help.
My normally talkative 12-year-old doesn’t talk any more. Should I be concerned?
Not necessarily. Becoming more private and keeping thoughts and feelings to themselves is common in adolescence, especially for boys. Here are some things you can do to increase communication between you and your teen:
- find and use regular times, like riding in the car, to be together with just you and your teen
- listen – don’t interrupt
- let your teen take the lead in bringing up concerns – don’t do “the inquisitor” with your teen upon immediate arrival home from school or an event
- be available by stating, “You can always talk to me when you’re ready”
- open the conversation by asking:
“Tell me about it…”
“What do you think…?”
“How would you do that…?”
“Feel like talking…?”
You should also know that you aren’t alone. In a study conducted in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area, parents of teens stated that communication is simultaneously one of their biggest challenges, as well as something they would most like to improve. See Shoulder To Shoulder's Research section
Teens really want to be heard, but parental opinions and advice can get in the way. The keys are: being available when they want to talk and learning to listen.
(Please note, you should be concerned if the behavior is new or dramatically different from what you’ve previously experienced. If this is the case, you should consider other important health issues such as use of alcohol, tobacco and other drugs or depression. See frequently asked questions on these topics.)